Covert Sexual Abuse by Therapists: A Lesser-Known Type of Sexual Abuse (21)

Symptoms resulting from covert sexual abuse are often the same or similar to those from overt sexual abuse.

This is not an easy topic but my intention is to shed light. Even if you haven’t been covertly sexually abused, there’s a good chance that someone you know has.

Understanding covert sexual abuse—particularly by therapists—is important for adults, children, and inner children of adults who don't know about and can't verbalize covert abuse; who’ve been gaslit to think it's “all in their head,” yet are haunted by things they can’t put their finger on.

Here’s a second trigger warning: If you don’t want to read about covert sexual abuse by mentally ill therapists, including sensitive topics related to sexual abuse, stop reading here. We’re taking a field trip to a place where angels fear to tread.

When it comes to physical sexual abuse, victims tend to be more certain that it happened. They tangibly experienced it, other people may’ve seen it, and it had physical impact.

Contrary to what many people may think, sexual abuse can also occur without being touched. Sexual safety and boundaries are not solely physical, they are also psychological.

Sexual violence and abuse [are] any behavior thought to be of a sexual nature which is unwanted and takes place without consent. Sexual abuse can be physical, psychological, verbal or online. Any behavior of a sexual nature that causes you distress is considered sexual violence or abuse. -Nidirect

Covert sexual abuse (CSA) is sexual abuse without physical touch. It’s violating and non-consensual. It’s intended to exploitatively and inappropriately gain sexual gratification and control.

Examples of CSA:

• Uninvited body comments, such as objectifying and sexualizing observations about your body.

• Unsolicited communications about sexual acts, fantasies, or behaviors. This can involve suggestive, indirect, or encoded language. It can also include suggestive/seductive talk of nude acts, such as details about showering or being naked.

• Walking around nude or partially undressed.

• Taking pics/recording video of you nude or partially nude without your knowledge/consent.

• Being shown such pics and videos without your knowledge/consent.

• Sexually explicit comments, including verbal sexual harassment and slut-shaming.

• Exposure to sexually explicit or unsolicited nude images/content (including p*rn).

• Being set-up to see sex toys laid out.

• Leering and inappropriate gazes.

• Narratophilia (deriving sexual satisfaction from talking/texting about sexual behavior, or from sexual stories/language).

• Voyeurism.

• Exhibitionism.

It’s those countless unwanted, don't-know-if-I-should-say-something/will-sound-paranoid-if-I-do, vibey, tonal, subtly inappropriate, more indirect, complex/nuanced to describe, slightly panicking, suggestive violations that most of us know too well.

When CSA occurs within a family or caregiving dynamic, it’s also known as covert incest.

• Covert incest can be sexual or emotional—as in emotionally incestuous, which I’ve referenced in previous posts. I’ll write more about that separately.

• In families, covert incest is said to occur more with mothers, though it can, of course, happen with fathers and other primary caregivers.

• The “under the radar” quality of CSA makes people question if they’re crazy for even thinking it’s sexual abuse.

• Covert sexual abuse is sexual abuse. Covert sexual abuse is real. It is as real as overt sexual abuse.

• Despite its apparent elusiveness, victims of CSA exhibit the same or similar symptoms as victims of physical sexual abuse.

CSA has been shown to be associated with (not an exhaustive list):

• body image disturbances/body dysmorphia

• eating disorders

• depression

• anxiety

• trauma/PTSD

• dissociation

• addiction

• isolation, including fear of commitment and lack of romantic interest in peers

• lack of boundaries

• lack of autonomy and sense of agency

• people pleasing/trouble saying no

• enmeshment

• over-dependency/codependency

• difficulties related to one’s sexuality

• shame/sense of inferiority

• low self-worth/esteem and poor self-image

• parentification (for children)

• difficulty developing/maintaining healthy long-term relationships, including love/hate relationships with perpetrating parents/caregivers, as well as others

The last point speaks to the strong inner conflict and reliance that many victims feel when attempting to leave abusers, particularly when they are therapists.

This is one of the main things that kept me feeling imprisoned in my relationship with my abusive ex-therapist, including feelings of guilt at times for wanting to leave and helplessness at the thought of leaving.

Not only did she manipulate me to form a cavernous dependency through covertly incestuous abuse, but her convincing me that I needed to be seen 14 times a week for 5 years injected that with steroids, mixed with stimulants.

At the end, she let on that she did this all knowingly. My dependency on her was so reinforced that, despite her sadistic cruelty in telling me things like this, I still had thoughts of going back to see her.

It's different, but I am reminded of domestic violence survivors being interviewed with faces so bruised and puffy, they're unrecognizable, yet they’re talking about how they miss the person who just put them in the hospital.

Covert Sexual Abuse by Therapists

If you read #7 and #8 of my “22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batshit Crazy #6-11,” which address sexual misconduct, I called out behaviors such as a therapist telling you their sexual fantasies or gazing at you inappropriately—this is why. Those are forms of CSA.

To draw an analogy, when it comes to familial abuse, covert emotional incest by parents is primarily a violation by virtue of using children for emotional support that an adult intimate partner or friend should provide. It’s an age-inappropriate burden on the child, that throws a monkey wrench into proper development.

Credit: Whitney Goodman’s IG

Similarly, therapists are not supposed to have needs met by clients, especially not emotional and sexual ones.

When therapists perpetrate covert sexual abuse, it takes on dynamics of covert incest. This is due to the power differential and caregiver-care recipient structure. (To be clear and for the sake of simplicity in this post, I’ll be calling this type of abuse by therapists CSA, not covert incest.)

With transference in the picture, therapy clients are “in their material.” They tend to see the therapist through the filter of unhealed, developmental needs more than through the clarity of mature discernment.

This obfuscates a patient’s ability to appropriately consent, which can make them especially vulnerable to exploitation and self-blame.

When you add therapy’s one-sided power dynamic to transference, the ability to harm clients is compounded.

Part of that is the fact that the abusing therapist will likely further emotionally and psychologically abuse the patient, so that they can avoid getting caught.

Therapists are very well-informed about transference, so there is truly zero excuse when it comes to any kind of therapist abuse. This malicious intentionality fits the profile of my sociopathic ex-therapist’s prolonged abuse of myself.

People often struggle to know CSA is happening and, as a result, address it at all. It’s common for people to self-invalidate uncomfortable feelings and symptoms related to it, and go years or decades without realizing they’ve been harmed.

Being highly sensitive, empathic, or a deep feeler doesn’t necessarily prevent self-invalidation. Sometimes, it can cause greater confusion. Especially if you’re also a patient with transference—which will also, simultaneously be deeply felt—and when the licensed therapist sitting across from you is sneakily abusing their title to hunt you.

I am one of the ones who didn't see it right away. The emotionally incestuous aspect was understood sooner, but not the covert sexual abuse aspect. It dawned on me after years, but not because I don’t believe CSA is real. It was other things:

1. It didn’t occur to me because it disgusted me to think a therapist, especially my therapist of 11 years, would be abusive in this way, and because of who she is. I believe she is literal evil; it makes me gag. I didn't want it to be true.

2. I have a blind spot to women being attracted to—and therefore covertly sexually abusive towards—me. I don’t lean that way and don’t notice; it doesn’t interest me. It extra doesn’t interest me coming from an abusive, pasty, creepy therapist. There can also be overlap between the way some women talk to each other and CSA, such as comments about bodies, appearances, or sexuality. At the same time, I know CSA isn’t about attraction. It’s about power, control, and depravity. It’s about darkness vampirically feeding off light.

3. To my face, for years, Bish championed herself as the anti-covert abuse virtuoso. Of all things. The worst scumbags pretend to care about you like that, while they sneak in what they’re pretending to rally against and protect you from.

4. As a female human on earth, being objectified, physically scrutinized, and hearing inappropriate, sexual nuance are embedded in society

   As one example, I tried to watch Saturday Night Live a while ago. It had been years. I’m not sure when it got so raunchy. I’ve changed too, since living in NYC. I had to turn it off. I used to enjoy it, but I felt violated by the skits I saw. Same went for the Deadpool films. Distasteful sexual nuance is pervasive in mainstream culture, often to the point where it feels sensorily assaultive.

   Some say that ours is a rape culture which normalizes the degradation of and sexual violence towards women. Body shaming, cat calls, weight judgments, only being valued if you draw male gaze: For many, these are “normal” but that doesn’t make them right or healthy.

   

   Link to credit. Most people tolerate everything at the base, which would lead to tolerating everything above it.

5. Intellectually knowing about something and living through it are different. Ask anyone who’s climbed Mount Everest or fallen in love.

   Lived experiences rarely fit into lines in textbooks, just as the diagnostic definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder comes nowhere near a living example of one, or experiencing narcissistic abuse.

6. Despite all the legal steps I took and the many, various professionals I encountered after seeing Bish, no one mentioned covert sexual abuse. Not the police, my lawyers, the licensing board, the District Attorney’s office, no one. It's not as known as overt sexual abuse.

   When it comes to acknowledging reality, society leans evidence-heavy and likes visible “receipts.” Legal claims want concrete provability.

   Systems and institutions are quick to dismiss and minimize covert forms of abuse. I think that’s slowly changing, but it’s much too slow and long overdue.

   Covert sexual abuse is also nuanced. The law and society at large generally like neatly packaged, one-and-done answers that tend to be facile and “boilerplate”. This isn’t one of them. I spoke to lawyers who literally said they don’t want to “explain” complex things to a jury if my case went to trial—the less they have to do that, the better for them.

   Most of the time, even with egregious physical violations, there’s rarely enough “proof” even if you have a boatload of it (Cough, cough #teamcassieventura). When it comes to intangible injustices, it’s like they don’t even want you to try.

   Obviously, it's unlikely that there will be “proof” of covert abuse, except that YOU ARE the proof. Trauma is the receipt. That is enough.

   As such, in my opinion and in theory, it should be enough for any court, but unfortunately it typically isn’t. Frankly, I think it’s set-up that way. If people were held accountable for emotional, psychological, narcissistic, and covert sexual abuse, power would be different and we wouldn’t have the world in which we’re living.

This is an intense post. Take a breather. Mind spa. This stunner is one in a series of cascading lakes at Plitvice Lakes National Park, Croatia.

My diabolical ex-therapist perpetrated CSA in a number of ways:

• There were many unwanted questions and comments directed towards me by MJ and Bish about sexual topics, acts, and body parts including private parts and hair on private parts—especially with both of them together. (I never came in for or consented to the topics. They had nothing to do with why I came in and it creeped me out.)

• With Bish’s obsession that all her female patients wanted to seduce MJ, they hassled me about the fact that my chest was simply present causing curvy shapes, under loose t-shirts or sweatshirts, and could be seen. It was beyond ludicrous and crazymaking. I eventually told them to stop looking.

• Being repeatedly accused of “acting seductive” when I wasn't is abusive in and of itself. It's wrongfully and inappropriately sexualizing, not to mention shaming, blaming, and projecting.

• Bish talked about when she lost her virginity and made other unsolicited comments about sexual acts. For example, her unwanted, unrelated opinion on why oral sex performed on men (except she used a popular slang term for it) was named incorrectly. I did not ask her about that or want to hear it.

• On a few occasions, she gave me a lingering “up and down.” Creepy.

• She inappropriately commented on my clothes and body type. Once, I was wearing a casual v-neck tee that was nice but otherwise unremarkable. She referred to it as a “boob shirt” (that’s not a thing and are you noticing a pattern?). Then she accused me of trying to seduce her by intentionally showing cleavage.

• I’ll never forget the time she made a backhanded comment that involved saying that the dress I was wearing was “so sexy.” She was so gross.

• If you read sign #1 in “22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batshit Crazy #1-5,” I wrote about how Bish once used the term “robot dildo” which was such an unnecessarily disgusting, violating term to use, especially given the context.

• Talking about covert sexual abuse like she found it abhorrent while covertly abusing me was abuse. The lie, the set-up. She used her title and access to harm me. It was part of grooming and manipulation, deliberately designed to make me trusting, so she could trick, use, and control me.

This isn’t a comprehensive list but in such moments, I had that energetic contraction that every woman, has had (and many men), along with varying degrees of ick/crawling-out-of-your-skin-type feelings.

With hindsight, the warning signs are much more clear, but at the time, I simply didn’t think it was possible for a therapist to be so corrupt and vile. For the most part, I either told myself I was overreacting, she had gotten me dependent on her, or her wordy web spinning abilities ensnared any other doubts.

Were you familiar with the terms “covert sexual abuse” and “covert incest” before reading this post? I’ve seen many questions from therapist abuse survivors on the web that led me to believe this type of abuse isn’t openly addressed enough.

Some of the most common inquiries went something like: “My therapist said they wish they could date me but didn’t actually ask me out, is that normal/okay?” I want to tell them, “No, it’s not okay. It’s covert sexual abuse.”

My hope is that the information in this post will help people identify and communicate about covert sexual abuse, and ultimately extract themselves from it (or help loved ones do so), particularly if it was by a therapist.

In my previous post, I wrote about how intangible things can be powerful. Abuse should never be under-estimated or under-emphasized because it’s covert. It can be equally if not more pernicious than overt abuse because victims have symptoms while often being unsure they’re being abused, and you can’t stop something you don’t think exists.

According to Ruth Darlene Patrick, domestic violence advocate, covert abuse (including covert coercive control) also comes with increased lethality risk:

The victim often feels trapped in a cycle of hope and despair, unsure of whether or not what they are experiencing qualifies as abuse. This psychological entrapment is what makes covert abuse particularly dangerous. The abuser maintains control while appearing reasonable to outsiders.

Any survivor of narcissistic abuse or gang stalking can confirm that abusers don't need to be anywhere near you in order to significantly harm you and the life you've worked hard to build.

Furthermore, like narcissistic abuse and gang stalking, covert abuse tends to be invalidated by systems that are meant to help victims, such as law enforcement. This can tragically leave victims feeling that there’s no way out.

It’s important to know that there’s hope, both for CSA to stop and after it stops. For me, recovery has involved restoring self-trust, getting better at boundaries, self-validating, and walking my own path, regardless of whether anyone else gets it or not (a.k.a. individuating), amongst other things. It’s an on-going process. It’s good that there is growing awareness of covert sexual abuse, too.

If this post has stirred up memories, be kind to yourself. There was a lot of grief for me at first. I suggest you do something good for yourself and do it with loving appreciation that you made it through this depressing, yet oh so informative, post.

Resources about covert sexual abuse, convert incest, and emotional incest:

(Note: I searched for resources related to covert sexual abuse by therapists. Unsurprisingly, nothing came up, but I believe that many points about parent-child covert incest can be translated to therapist-client CSA. I haven’t consumed all these links in full, some were recommended. Always do your due diligence.)

BOOKS

“Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners” by K. Adams

“Covert Emotional Incest: The Hidden Sexual Abuse: A Story of Hope and Healing” by A. Lees

“The Emotional Incest Syndrome”: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life” by P. Love and J. Robinson

“I’m Glad My Mom Died” by J. McCurdy (This was a particularly interesting autobiography for me, though heartbreaking, too. It chronicles several types of abuse, including covert incest and physical sexual abuse.)

PODCASTS

Emotional Incest, Calling Home Podcast (W. Goodman)

Understanding Covert Sexual Incest: A Deep Dive with Yitz Epstein, Narcissism Recovery Podcast

Covert Sexual Abuse: When Subtlety Equates to Severity, The Place We Find Ourselves Podcast

How to Work with Silence with Adena Bank Lees (covert emotional incest), The Trauma Therapist Podcast

What comes after the confrontation? (covert sexual abuse), Unfollowing Mum Podcast

Mother-Daughter Covert Incest, We’re All Insane Podcast (D. Roloff)

YOUTUBE

What is Enmeshment? by K. Adams

Understanding Covert Sexual Abuse & Trauma by K. Balestrieri

Processing My Covert Sexual Abuse Trauma by Leftovers From Therapy. This video is uses an amusing filter, presumably for privacy, but she talks about covert sexual abuse with examples that could be informative.

What is Emotional Incest by K. Morton

How Emotional Incest Affects Relationships by M. Rapini

WEBSITES & OTHER RESOURCES USED IN THIS POST

Too Close for Comfort: The Damage Caused by Covert Incest by A. Barley

Covert Abuse and the Monopolization of Perception by R. D. Patrick

The Signs & Effect of Emotional Incest by D. Lancer

Covert Sexual Abuse, Janicek Law

Liss Morales’ IG page (about covert incest)

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