22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy: #6-11🦇💩 (8)
A no-nonsense guide to recognizing bad therapy, complete with educational cussy words and emojis.
Download the free ebook, which has all 22 signs in one place, here! Share it with that friend who is on the fence about their therapist inviting them over to their home. For sex.
Rewind to signs #1-5: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy: #1-5
Fast Forward to signs #12-16: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy #12-16
Fast Forward to signs #17-22: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy
Before diving in, here’s a note about signs #7 and #8: I experienced many types of abuse with my therapist abuser. Physical sexual abuse wasn’t one of them. There were seductive things she said; incidents of inappropriate, unwanted touch (like a pat on my arm); and a strangely controlling incident involving a hug (I wrote about it in post #2). I don’t minimize these, they were inappropriate and the latter rattled me. When it came to physical contact, I didn’t get a sexual vibe from her as much as an icky, controlling one. Then again, it usually goes over my head when women are attracted to me so I could be wrong. Most of #7 and #8 stem from my psychology education and conversations with people.
Remember, this is all my opinion, based on my experience. It doesn’t have to be yours. Here are signs #6 to #11 that your therapist may be batshit crazy like mine was, and needs more therapy than every therapy patient combined:
6. EMOTIONAL ABUSE (INCLUDING MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS)
This one's longer than the others because emotions are such an important part of therapy.
Emotional abuse refers to non-physical misuse of power that is intended to gain control and power over others. In this post, I’m including emotional boundary violations and manipulation under the umbrella of emotional abuse.
Malignant narcissists and sociopaths are breeds of assclowns that only care about power, control, and optics. Every single thing they do is abusive and calculated. They’re like abuse supercomputers that run by sucking out your self-esteem.
With my former licensed Cracker Jack, there were upticks (good times) that intentionally served as the positive reinforcement portion of intermittent reinforcement. Her ultimate goal was to become my only source of emotional regulation and psychological connection, just so I’d be her cash cow.
Between episodic upticks, her abuse included: using false diagnostic labels in a controlling, degrading fashion (diagnoses used with cruelty as direct insults and to characterize me as needing much therapy), emotional and psychological manipulation (i.e. lying, playing victim, using things I told her against me), enmeshment (including not having my own emotional space and being pressured or guilt-tripped to do things her way), cruelty, shaming, suspicion, projection, intimidation/bullying, threats, gaslighting, isolation, using me for her emotional needs, and, at the end, refusing to speak to me yet stalking me while smearing my name and setting me up (a.k.a. entrapment); then creating a false police report that led to weaponizing law enforcement against me.
In other words, it was narcissistic abuse. Some say narcissistic abuse is a type of emotional abuse, but to me, it’s that plus psychological, spiritual, and, in my case, financial abuse.
My experience is an extreme example of malignant narcissist therapist abuse. It doesn’t need to be that intense for it to be emotional or narcissistic abuse by a therapist. Some abuse is very subtle and accumulates gradually—like little chips axed into a tree trunk that pave the way for deeper cuts, which eventually fell the tree.
When I was seeing el whacko, I couldn’t name most of the subtle abuse. I think if I’d known what I was dealing with, I would’ve been able to nip it in the bud. So I became curious about more insidious ways that narcissistic abuse takes shape and how she did what she did.
Now that I know, I see it all over. I learn more every day. I remember her preliminary diagnosis of me was made within weeks and involved no actual assessment or testing. That’s too soon and it was based on what—moonbeams and a Magic 8 Ball? This alone was an abuse of power and an exploitation of trust. I could write a book on all the things I’ve become aware of but, for now, a few more examples.
A couple of years in, the nutcake said sorry for one of a trillion shitty things she was doing. I wasn't immediately ok and needed time. She became really annoying and needy (even more so than usual). She pressured me to accept her apology, which an emotional boundary violation. I said no. Her tone became desperate. She wanted a deadline for when I’d be over it! I kept saying no and she looked like she was going to melt, quivering, into a puddle. It seemed to terrify her that she couldn’t control me. It was so fucking weird!
I had never experienced anything like that before. She was so insanely narcissistic that, in her foggy funhouse mirror hall of a brain, she felt entitled to timestamp my emotions. It was inconceivable to me that someone could see another human that way. I didn't know narcissists have different brain function than non-nutcakes. The only thing I could think to attribute her reaction to was feeling guilty for hurting me. But it was the opposite of that. There were no emotional boundaries—no sense of a healthy separation between my feelings and hers—because I wasn’t even a person with feelings to her.
The only times there seemed to be a separation (for her) was when she was in one of her unpredictable moods or withholding as a means of control (which are also emotional abuse). She was usually cold and vicious about it. She’d be in “push” mode instead of “pull,” or what I also called Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.
I will never fully understand how my saying “no” to her off-the-wall demand could cause such fragility and terror in a person, much less a therapist. She’s a seriously unwell nutcake; tuned to a radio station that doesn’t exist.
Another subtle example is from an initial meeting with a different prospective provider (long after leaving the nut, for a different matter). This provider asked if I’d ever experienced trauma. I don’t know anyone who’d say no. I said yes, it was okay, and that wasn’t why I was there. I’m aware some info is needed for intake, but people always have right of refusal and I hadn’t officially chosen her.
She asked about it further. I politely declined, citing that trauma wasn’t my reason for talking to her and I’d known her all of 10 minutes. As soon as I set my emotional boundary, she tried to tear it down🦇💩 She said, "If you can’t talk about it, then you’re not over it.”
Red flags: Using something I told her against me. Telling me how I felt. Pressuring me. No one can tell you how you feel. Gaslighting is in there, too: I said it was ok and she denied it. Why? Because bats were building a fudge factory and she was laying concrete.
I told her that “can’t” and “won’t” are different. I was the latter. I wasn’t there to prove anything and some of my most profound healing occurred alone, without anyone talking to me or the other way around. She stopped cold. The rest of the appointment was forgettable.
I didn’t go back. She’d already tried to play emotional “chicken” and manipulate my boundary when she was putting her best foot forward. I wasn’t going to stick around for her worst foot.
However, this appointment marked an important point for me. My ex-therapist did things like that constantly. I didn’t recognize it as emotional abuse back then, but I had learned my lesson and applied it in real time. It felt good, especially because this particular provider had been highly recommended by someone else with a good reputation, as their #1, go-to referral.
Here is another important point: Behavior > branding. A therapist’s positive reputation and professional esteem mean nothing until or unless you know for yourself that they consistently treat you with respect and kindness. Someone’s accolades do not permit them to treat you poorly or put your care second. Their reputation isn't going to sit across from you, they are.
You don’t have to put up with a therapist’s shit just because they teach at a top 5 school, changed a friend’s life, and wrote the book on whatever ails you. In fact, people like that can come with gigantic egos (not always, but I have noticed it a lot). Gigantic egos are a feature of narcissism. Narcissists make shitty therapists. It's also possible they are great for everyone else but not you.
We live in a world of consensus reality; something is often seen as true because a bunch of people agree it is. But in a corrupt world with sociopaths, quid pro quo, and greed, garbage can be gold-plated. A lot of people can be wrong. Many healthcare professionals band together due to a mob mentality, to cover their own asses, or for referrals and good favor—not because they’re putting patients first.
Another thing I wish I had known: Any time someone weaponizes sensitive, personal information that you entrusted them with against you, that’s emotional abuse. I once told my ex-wacky cracky about a relative of mine who had certain issues (I’ll call her “April”). The next disagreement we had, she said “You’re acting like April,” trying to shut me up and control me. That’s emotional abuse. Though I didn’t know what it was conceptually, I often felt a drop in energy, like a blip, when she said things like that. I’ve learned to listen to that feeling.
If your therapist is trying to have power and control over you via abuse and manipulation then, by definition, it’s not possible for them to have your best interest at heart and care about your well-being. Since the topic is up next, I’ll mention that this includes abuse of sexual power and control.
A sociopathic or narcissistic therapist will always see themselves as the most important person in the room, at your expense. They have to make you feel small in order to succeed. If your therapy leaves you feeling ongoingly stuck, bumming out, or emotionally heavier; if you feel increasingly dependent and like you can’t leave; if you find yourself doing things outside your values and nature (due to their manipulation/coercion); if you’re losing/sacrificing important things like your freedom, close relationships, financial savings, self-esteem, and self-respect, these are some indications that your therapist is emotionally abusing you. If therapy is helping, you’d ideally feel clearer, lighter, freer, better, and have an improved self-concept, overall. You should also feel free to terminate and get a new therapist at any time, without issue.
TAKEAWAYS: A writing student of mine once wrote something very beautiful and wise in class: “Emotions are the language of the soul.” They truly are. This is why emotional abuse, especially when prolonged, is crippling. I’m not sure there’s a more comprehensive betrayal than when the one person who’s never supposed to do that, does. Except perhaps to seek accountability for it and realizing they’re protected, even more than you.
Effective therapy is impossible without sensitive attunement to and high regard for your emotions; this doesn’t mean you always get what you want, it means you’re cared for regardless. The process of ending therapy is included in this. Therapist abuse never ends well. It’s part of the complex therapist abuse trauma picture that can keep you in a loop of peaceless, self-blaming non-closure.
If your therapist is a sociopath/malignant narcissist, you were ever doing to get any peace or closure. No explanation they offered would’ve been true anyway. They’d rather gouge their eyeballs out with a cactus than admit to anything. I believe they want it that way, to keep you on the hook. For me, that’s been closure enough.
In summary, if your therapist does not consistently treat you and your feelings with high regard (even if it seems like there are good times), it's raining batty booty pebbles. Leave.
7. PHYSICAL TOUCH/ BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS, INCLUDING FANTASIZING ABOUT TOUCH
There are different theories when it comes to therapists and touch. I gravitate towards no touch because it’s a clean boundary and there's no risk.
Aside from a professional, mutually agreed upon greeting and send-off, or possibly an unusual emergency (like you faint on your way out of their office and they need to check if you're alive) a therapist isn't supposed to lay a finger on you. There are two things to note:
a) The first one is a repeat: Boundary violations often start small and get bigger. With predatory therapists and touch, it’s like “gateway drugs.” A seemingly innocent touch is a way to pry the gateway open, so they can push it further open, and fully take advantage of you (yes, sick). It might start with getting in your space by helping you put your coat on. Then a tap the shoulder→a pat on the knee→a massage, moving the goalposts out further each time.
If there’s sexual talk/fantasizing without contact, that’s not better. Not meaning to sound creepy myself, I’m trying to make a point: I would be concerned that it's intended to arouse and be suggestive, like phone sex, or that the therapist is indulging their narratophilia. Why else would a therapist be doing that to a client? How is that possibly healing?
b) Touch intensifies transference and can be retraumatizing, i.e. if you have sexual trauma and your therapist is inappropriately touching you (or talking about it) or even appropriately touching you. Another example: if you were deprived of loving physical comfort/affection growing up, and an authority figure in the form of your therapist touches you, it can distort your transference, attachment, and sense of their power over you. If that touch has inappropriate intent, that’s another layer of abuse of power.
Since a picture is worth 1000 words, here's an extremely professional reference chart of physical boundaries that a therapist should never cross, complete with educational emojis:
Getting in your personal space🙅🏻
Sweeping your hair out of your face☠️🙅🏻
Patting you on the head/hand/arm/back/leg🙅🏻
Patting you on the butt🖕🙅🏻
Massage🤮🙅🏻
Grabbing your arm💣🙅🏻
Eye gazing 🙅🏻
Walking arm in arm💩🙅🏻
Holding hands⚰️🙅🏻
Expressing the desire to do any of the above or other contact🐀🙅🏻
Sexual activity of any kind👮🏻♂️🚨🧛♂️✝️🙅🏻🆘🙅🏻🚫🙅🏻🆘🙅🏻☣️🖕🖕
Including spoken as fantasy🚔🚨🧟♂️🧿🙅🏻🆘🙅🏻🚫🙅🏻🆘🙅🏻☣️🖕🖕
TAKEAWAYS: You're MC Hammer. Can't touch this. (Not even in their dreams.) Even if a therapist says it’s ok/customary to end by shaking hands, or make other contact, you don’t need anyone’s permission to say no. No explanation required. If they have issues with it, that’s even more reason for them to fuck off and for you not to return.
If they spend your paid time sharing what they'd do if you guys hung out IRL or their erotic fantasies about you—or they want to hear yours about them—walk out and don't come back. Bats are composing a symphony in B-flatulence and your therapist is the conductor. If you feel safe doing so and local laws permit, record them being inappropriate before you leave. Then report them.
8. SEX, SEXUAL OR ROMANTIC BEHAVIORS, AND INAPPROPRIATE VIBES/ LANGUAGE
I’m not an expert on erotic transference. I don’t know how licensed sex therapists work, either. When it comes to traditional talk therapy, I understand that erotic transference is very common. A competent, ethical therapist will accept the existence of it without indulging it at all.
Ideally, they’ll tactfully explain that it's common, why you feel as you do, and that it's temporary. They should tell you the plan to address it, offer insights to help you with it, be firm and clear that it will never to be acted upon, and why it would harm you to do so.
They will not dismiss or make light of your feelings or discomfort, delight in your discomfort, or jerk you around to inflate their ego. They will not abuse power, take advantage of you, and let their issues impact your care, even if they develop erotic countertransference. If they can't get a handle on it, they're mismanaging their responsibilities. They’re supposed to get supervision and/or therapy for it, or refer you out.
Your therapist should NEVER hit on you, flirt, date, or engage in sexual activity with you at any point during or after your therapy—including indicating that they want to. Simply looking at a patient too long with an inappropriate vibe is crossing the line and reflects that they’re already out of control.
They should NEVER treat you like a date, tease you, do anything that resembles phone sex/sexting, tell you their sexual fantasies about you, tell you to indulge yours about them, tell you they love you and can’t stop thinking about you, how they wish they could have sex with you but can’t, or give you gifts and cards to express their love for you. Never. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.
If they do, IMO they are mentally ill, unethical, engaging in behavior that could be penalized by their licensing board, and that may be a criminal offense depending on where you are.
There’s no shame in erotic transference, except for on the therapist who exploits it. A client needs to know and consistently be shown that in no way, will this part of their transference ever come to fruition or be acted upon by their therapist. They shouldn’t be communicated inappropriate things that make them feel worse or lead them on otherwise (including body language). Anything short of that is a betrayal and makes your therapist an asshole.
In closing, an anecdote: Some time around college starting, I checked out a provider who came recommended. I believe he was the first male provider I ever saw. He had a lavish office in an upscale part of the city, but I’ve learned that doesn’t mean shit.
He wasn’t talking at all (one of those). In an attempt to not waste his exorbitant fee and make small talk, I asked him about himself and at some point asked if he had a family, like a wife and kids. He was a hundred years older than me and had the nerve to respond, “What is your fantasy?” His tone was suddenly very smug and inviting. Gross!!! I could’ve been his grandchild! How was this lecherous relic flattering himself and being creepy out loud like this?! I remember my chest tightened and my eyes went wide. I never saw Granda Grody again.
TAKEAWAYS: A good therapist wants positive outcomes for you and, if they’re not contributing to them, they express accountability for the fact that it’s due to their limitations, not yours. They will be sensitive to the feelings that erotic transference can bring up and help you process it so that you don’t become preoccupied with them. In order for that to happen, they need to make it 100% clear—in all ways—that nothing will happen, they would never abuse power and exploit your trust, because it would harm you.
Your discomfort should reduce because you're gaining helpful insights in counseling. I don’t think it takes an expert to sense how harmful sexual abuse by a therapist is; especially if there's past sexual trauma—particularly from an authority figure who was supposed to be trusted. If your therapist is jerking you around about erotic transference and you’re not receiving any insights that help you process it; if they indulge their or your fantasies about them, or show any sexual or romantic behavior with you, including an inappropriate look, they’re abusing power. Why? Because bats are pinching loaves and your therapist is eating them toasted with jam. Run. Fast.
9. THEY WANT YOU MORE DEPENDENT ON THEM, NOT LESS
The ultimate goal of therapy is to not need it. It’s very common to feel dependent on your therapist at times, but it’s usually manageable and short-term. You should also be able to talk to your therapist so that you understand why you’re feeling that way, gain helpful insights, and feel increasingly independent overall. Your therapist should have a treatment plan. Mine didn’t accomplish any of these things.
By the time my sociopathic ex-therapist conned me into coming in 14 times a week for her exclusive treatment, for a very special and excellent me, she had been grooming me to agree to that for years, weaseling her way into my life as a necessity. I asked so many times when it would be over. Apparently, I was in a “dark night of the soul.” For a decade. That’s a lot of fucking nights.
She was always available for more appointments; always inserting herself into my life and thought processes, uninvited. Always criticizing something. She manipulated me to become enmeshed and dependent on her. Much of it was by giving me the message that only she cared for me. She was cruel.
She didn’t just become a crutch, it was as if she’d become my legs. That’s the opposite of how therapy is supposed to go. Certainly not for a decade. If you feel perpetually increasing, agonizing dependence as I did, your therapist has fucked up.
If therapy isn’t helping and their only solution is more of it; if you say you want therapy to end, but they don’t offer a real way out and take no accountability for things not working, your therapist is probably up to something shady. They could want all your Benjamins. They could be poorly trained and lack understanding of how to cultivate autonomy in patients. They could have poor boundaries and unresolved issues that cause them to prioritize feeling needed over serving you. They could straight up want power and control over you.
Therapists are medical model-based. Can you imagine telling your primary care physician that the drugs they gave you are making you sick, and all they do is increase the dose? Or if you said you’re changing doctors and they manipulated and threatened you into staying? That would be insane. Therapists are no different.
A therapist should want you to feel strong and capable on your own. A good therapist will not discourage or feel threatened by your independence.
If you talk to your therapist about your feelings and their answer doesn’t make sense, keep asking or get a second opinion. Get more opinions if you need them. Not solely about this topic, but any. I think everyone should understand their therapy process. Your therapist should want that for you, too.
TAKEAWAYS: The ultimate goal of therapy is for you to be independent. If your therapist can’t help you understand why you feel dependent temporarily, why it will pass, and then act accordingly; if you consistently feel increasingly dependent and they’re encouraging it with no end in sight, there’s a good chance that bats are hosting a splash party for one—your crazy therapist.
10. THEY EXERT INCREASING CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE
This one’s related to #9 and coercive control is included in it. A good therapist wants you to feel capacle and in control of your life.
My batshit crazy ex-therapist was so controlling that if I didn’t process my emotions using whatever way she deemed best, such as a very specific format by Marshall Rosenberg, she would shoot me shaming looks, become irate, and pathologize my wanting to speak independently. Of course, she wouldn’t use Marshall Rosenberg herself when she got that way or any other day, fucking hypocrite. She actually wanted to control the words I used to express my own truth. That’s not healthy or the job of a therapist. Her shaming, angry emotional manipulation is an example of coercive control.
She constantly, baselessly told me how I felt and what I was thinking, wanted me to share spiritual and religious beliefs with her, and be a therapist like her. There were countless controlling things like that and they got bigger.
I once checked out a different healer (not a therapist). She insisted on leading me in prayer before we started, and sync up our breathing while we were at it. She didn’t ask me, she started with “We will do a prayer together..” Surely by “we” she meant her and Siri.
I don’t believe that prayer and breathing with someone should be forced or required. I didn’t know who or what she’d be praying to, or about. I can fucking breathe on my own. I’m actually quite good at it. I respectfully declined and said she was welcome to do it anyway, I’d even be happy to listen. She became indignant and fancied herself a martyr. It wasn’t hard to walk away from Forced Faith Fiona.
Therapists are supposed to help you stand on your own two feet, not “Riverdance” all over you with theirs. If you feel like you are living someone else's life; if you assert your individuality—especially if you disagree with them—and they have a negative or abusive reaction, it's because bats are letting their bowels yodel in the Alps of your therapist's mind.
TAKEAWAYS: In the car of your life, you are in the driver's seat—that's where your therapist should want you to be, too. They may give you pointers on how to steer and navigate tough weather conditions, but they’re not supposed to eject you and take over the wheel. If they do, show them the pavement, take your rightful seat, and rejoice as they get smaller in the rearview mirror.
11. EXCESSIVE COMMUNICATIONS, INCLUDING ABOUT THEMSELVES
This is a subtopic of “special treatment” (#5) and guided by the goal of ultimately being free of therapy. Communication between you and your therapist should be as minimal and professional as possible. They shouldn’t accost you in public either. You’re also within your rights to tell them how you want to be communicated with. These days, I generally don’t text with healthcare providers unless it’s urgent. They can call or email.
My bean-making bat of an ex-therapist would incessantly email/text me cat pictures, pictures of her social events, and offers for more appointments. She invited many social email and text conversations. She would also contact me seeking reassurance for or boasting about things she did outside of therapy, like if she was invited to go on a new agey retreat.
She talked about herself constantly and said it was part of her ultra-elite style of therapy. The reality was that it was manipulative, enmeshed, and her con was an ultra-waste of my valuable time and money. Don’t stay with a therapist who has non-existent boundaries, makes you feel like you can’t get away from them and their communications, and is a sociopath. I deserved better. You deserve better.
TAKEAWAYS: Whether your therapist is communicating too much or they’re failing to set professional limits on your communications to them, either way, it’s inappropriate and not a good set-up for you. It can lead to over-dependency, entitlement, fixation, and other issues. You can call on your inner Ray Boyd—that sweet, blond kid from the movie “Jerry McGuire”—and let them know they're talking too much. If it continues, hire a therapist who isn't too busy disarming bat fudge bombs to hear you out.
Numbers 12-17 are up next.
Download the free ebook, which has all 22 signs in one place, here! Share it with that friend who is on the fence about their therapist crying and saying no when your friend says they’re getting a new therapist.
Rewind to signs #1-5: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy: #1-5
Fast Forward to signs #12-16: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy #12-16
Fast Forward to signs #17-22: 22 Signs Your Therapist May Be Batsh!t Crazy
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